I really don't want to write anything specific or give my updates right now, all I want is to vent out my random synapses so that I am not a victim of ennui. Life around has changed so much in recent times, well, I don't know why I say that always when I already know that life will so obviously change and it cannot be obviated. When I look around, I see people running behind something or other, but they are running, some are successful, some are not, I wish I could also run behind something, a dream, a vivid journey or at least something different from my daily routine. "MUSIC" is one such thing, I can't think of any other thing which makes me feel so full of life. Each nerve of my body, each muscle reacts to it. I wish I was not so dilettantish about it. But there are many reasons for that, one of which is fear of failure. The fear crawls up so badly sometimes, it diminishes all hopes and dreams. Well recently I read a beautiful line in some Youtube video which said - "Dream is not what you see in sleep.. Dream is something that doesn't let you sleep". It was a span of few milliseconds before I decided to put it as my facebook status. Well the consequences were not that satisfactory. Somehow, from some corner of the world, few people said that an "IITian" would never put this as a status message. First reaction was anger, second was fear, third was oblivion and the fourth is present continuous tense.
I remember the time when I was a kid I used to ask lot of questions, not to my parents or the people around me but to myself. Most of those questions used to start with "Why". Well, sometimes I got the answer almost instantaneously, sometimes after few years, some are still unanswered I think, but the problem here is I forgot those unanswered questions. The habit of finding reason behind everything was natural to me, nobody told me to do so, I just wanted to do so. That time, I used to keep all those thoughts within my mind, but now it's too full, I can't keep every thought inside, so I just let it out. People around me get irritated but I feel good.
Throughout my life, I have moved ahead making so many analogies, some may sound very ambiguous, but it used to help me find answers and help me make peace with my mind. Again, a very bad habit, makes life very tough when you cannot find few answers, fear creeps in, you lose self-confidence, all bad thoughts flash in front of your eyes and you waste your valuable time in finding answers to few questions which need not be answered. I wish I lose this neurotic nature before I become complete mad, although I like being mad, because it segregates me from the crowd.
I see so many success stories around, which have faced lots of problems upfront but the basic theme of such stories remain the same. Each of such stories was based on a vision, a passion, hunger and innovativeness. Sometimes I feel that I can be a part of such a story, a story which can be a source of inspiration for someone. But again, the vision is lacking here, may be I am looking in the wrong direction or I am not supposed to be in such a story. When I look back, I don't see any account of such achievements, even if any, those are too small to be accounted. Definition of achievement holds a different place for me, sometimes even a petty problem can teach me millions, but most of the times I cannot scale it up to a bigger picture. To keep myself happy, I say to myself - "It's ok". Deep down I say - "I have to do it somehow, is there no way?".
I lost my innocence like people lose their virginity during initial years of college. I used to be ingenuous but the world changed me to someone so taciturn that I miss my own self sometimes. I have lost touch with my own family, I don't feel the same anymore for them. I have moved away too much from them, I hate it, I see others sharing so much with their family, being happy about going out with their own family, but why am I a different person when I am not with them? There are many reasons when I introspect but I guess, everyone faces such challenges, why is it me, who is unable to cope up? My mother complains me of not participating in family matters and prioritizing other things to family, but how can I help it? My iconoclastic nature causes lots of rifts, both external and internal. Should I do this to make my parents happy or should I do this to maintain my principles of life? I remain mum to the first and reply "Yes" to the second. I make a lot of assumptions, sometimes they turn out right, sometimes they don't and sometimes I don't want them to be true. The fact that I lost touch has cost me a lot. I don't see anyone around me with whom I can share the exact things which are going on in my mind, I feel alone, I get distracted, yet I have to act to maintain equilibrium. I miss my old family laughter, the one with my mother, those days were the golden days in all respects.
Every minute acting has made me tired, assuming things have made me tired. I can't even go to a girl and say - "I like you", why?, fear creeps in, I cannot share it with my family, I would have to hide, added tension, I better keep away. Do I really support arrange marriage? Hell no, but is it effective? Hell Yes. I fall in love everyday, every moment, sometimes it feels awesome, but most of the times it is bad, especially when I know the girl is least interested. Sometimes I experiment reactions from her, but sometimes I give it away and let it go. I tried hard to find the perfect girl, but till now unable to do so, some have come very close, but few petty things always come in between, I am a person who hates constraints but can't help it, for I have to maintain equilibrium. It puts so much pressure on me, my mind blows up. There was a time, when I used to be proud of my friends, but now I am cynical, why?, because I find that I am the only one who cares, everyone else is just going on through some phase in life. Sometimes I want to say so many things to a girl, but I can't, same old fear. I want to tell her things about her beauty, her attitude and what not but I become cramped. These 'I' type thoughts fill my mind and often come up in conversations and make people think I am an egotist, but I can't help it, I need a channel for them to flow.
I need an incendiary vision, I need a dream. Right now I am blind, and my past won't let go off me. Everyone is pinching at the green spot without realizing it is a fresh wound, I try to neglect those negative forces, but for how long? God forbid if I burst someday, that day, history would be repeated, which would be a darker nightmare. So I act, act every day, every second, just to prevent that from happening. I am not a omniscient, I wish I was, then those situations would never arrive, then I would stop asking questions and will be answering them only.